How Do You Grieve the Loss of Your Dad?

That's the big question. In my case, I kept myself incredibly busy and tricked my mind into thinking that he was just in Florida for the winter. Anytime I need to talk to him, I call when I know my mom isn't home so I get the answering machine with his voice on it.

When I began to get heart palpitations my husband told me that it's probably stress. But given that my dad just died from complications of his heart, I decided to see the doctor. While my heart seems to be okay (other than a bit broken), my doctor discovered that my liver enzymes are elevated. After a bunch of blood work, an abdominal ultrasound, and a consultation with a gastroenterologist, it was determined that I have a fatty liver and need to go on a diet to lose the 8 pounds I've gained in the 5 months since my dad died.

I was talking to a good friend about everything and she said when her life was in chaos she did the same thing...kept herself busy, kept all the balls in the air. A counselor finally told her that eventually you have to let the balls drop. So I guess my body is telling me that I better let the balls drop. I need to face the fact that my dad is gone, and he's not in Florida, and he's not coming back.

This is all fine and good and very cerebral, but I guess I'm not sure exactly what it means to grieve. The more I think about it, the more I realize I need to come to terms with what it is that I lost. If my dad were here he would say, "Make a list." So I did. I made a list of the things I lost when my dad died.

Someone who loved me...no matter what.
Someone who has always known me.
Someone who made me feel safe.
Someone who would do anything for me.
Someone who always was happy to talk to me or see me.
Someone who taught me.
Someone who gave me advice.
Someone who encouraged me.
Someone who cared for me and took care of me.

When I look at this list I know that I still have people in my life who do these things for me. So I guess the real loss is his physical presence, his enthusiasm, his positive attitude, his hearty greetings, his big smile, his strong embrace. The things that made him who he was. The things that made him special to me.